Archive for May, 2012


Connections are on my mind today, as I guess they are every other day as well, but today I’m reminded of the planets spinning, and how we are pulled into each other’s orbits, like planets.

I’ve got a theory that people are like planets –  some draw to each other gently, to slowly revolve around each other, in steady patterns, to remain in each other’s orbits, slowly rolling along.  These are our long term relationships – parents, siblings, life long friends.  Not that these relationships or “rotations” can’t be rocky – some are smooth, some are riddled with meteor showers and debris.

Then there’s other planets that gravitate towards each other with a vengeance, spin wildly together for just a minute, then as if suddenly repelled as quickly as they were linked divide and spin back out into the universe.  Those are the most fun, but can create the most havoc.  Here today, gone in a flash…  Why is that?

Doing what I do, I encounter a lot of the latter.  People come into my energy, pulled in or thrown in, not sure which or by what, but that seems to be the case a lot of the time.  I’ve learned I can’t control it, and know not to even try.  It can be depressing sometimes, to be on the ride from one day to the next, not sure if it’s the teacups (which I dually note while typing can spin quite out of control) or a rollercoaster with twists and drops.  Or to be just getting into it, settling in, enjoying the view and the bottom drops out.   Sometimes I long for a simple pony ride..but when I get it I immediately ask, “where’s the bucking bronco?”

Rereading this I see I’ve kind of switched topics, from rotating planets to amusement park rides and rodeos, but in actuality it’s all the same.  The gently rotating planets sustain us, the lazy rides are nice, but down deep where the fire is it’s the rollercoasters and bucking broncos that FEED us, or me at least.  I need that, crave it.  So I guess the point of all of this is – when the wild eyed horse suddenly stops bucking, or the ride ends too soon, I’m left saying, HEY, I’m not done yet!  It can’t be over yet!  This was just getting goood.  Especially when I can see what’s ahead, can see that within two more leaps that animal and I could be in unison, moving as one.  But sometimes that distracting patch of grass looks too tasty, or that wild thing just isn’t ready for that fluid movement…although, ironically enough the new fluid movement is an extension of, an EXPANSION of the original movement…maybe the next time, or the time after that.  I’ve got to accept that, and let it go.  And know that there are other horses, and other tickets to be handed over for other rides…somewhere in the future.  And that feeds me too.

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So anyone that reads this blog knows Clairvoyant Girl of http://aclairavoyantjourney.wordpress.com/ and I are on similar paths.  Mine in the suburbs outside of Austin Texas, hers in the foothills in Colorado.  We have spoken many times, usually parallel-ly about paths, she experiences seeing the same numbers (3:33, 5:55, 11;11, 12:34) over and over again, as I always do.  She has issues with uncovering the light, and being fully into who she is – and setting that shine for the world to see.  As do I.   So, this post is for everyone, but especially dedicated to my sister Clairgirl.  I hope you find your voice again soon.

OK, I’ve had the idea forever about having classes for others to uncover their clairvoyant/psychic selves.  To have a group that openly discusses their gifts, out in the open, not with whispers afraid of who will overhear, or having to preface a thought with…this may sound weird, or you may think I’m crazy….I always tell my clients – you CAN’T freak me out.  Leave that stuff behind when we sit together – just talk without fear of judgement.  And I haven’t been close to being freaked out yet!  The reason for a group to meet is so people can see that we all have SOMETHING – many people have shared with me that they USED to have “IT” – whatever their “IT” is, but felt they’ve lost it, and want to get it back.  So, I’ve prefaced the story with that.

After meeting a fellow clair – by an amazing turn of events – I finally got up the courage to approach a local coffee shop, a place I thought would be great – large enough to accommodate a decent sized group, that had a good feel to it.  Close enough to town that people from farther south would come, but those of us in the burbs wouldn’t have to drive downtown.  So I spoke with the incoming owner (the place is changing hands apparently) and she was excited about me having classes there – until I told her more about what they were for.  Then her WHOLE energy changed.  Her smile was still pasted on, but I could feel the wall come up and the fear right along with it.  The sudden judgement.  I asked her what she thought of that, although I already knew the answer.  She said, “I DON’T FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.”  Smile still pasted on.  The only thing I could do was thank her, wish her a good day, and turn around and walk out.

I went out and sat in my truck.  So many feelings coming up it was hard to decifer them.

SADNESS. DISAPOINTMENT. FEELING JUDGED.  that old familiar feeling of WHO DO I THINK I AM? but behind all of that something even MORE FAMILIAR.  the feeling that I have felt all of this before, but on a WAY larger scale.  That brought up some fear, which I needed to look at, but I shelved it and called my new clair friend – I needed a confidence boost.  She was AWESOME, and told me everything I already know, what I would have told anyone else…but couldn’t tell myself.  It just wasn’t the place.  Keep going, chin up.  Maybe this is something bigger than just meeting in a coffee shop.  She stoked the fire that I was ready to let go back to that tiny ember that just burns in my mind.  She gave me the boost I needed, that little key that kept the cogs turning.  That conversation reminded me that our connections are so important, those little boosts.  SO to that friend I say

NAMASTE!

SO, on to part two, the part that’s really for ClairGirl – the unfurling of emotions that continued from that one coffee shop denial.  And this is the part that kept unwinding throughout that day and night.  There was something deep that got scratched, something that has been there for a long time.  That has been there over lifetimes.  Going back and back and back when judgement wasn’t just a painted on smile that went along with a NO, but when revealing one’s self, or having one’s self revealed brought physical pain, torture, death.  The fear is deep seated, THAT’S the fear we face.  Not of SELF ACCEPTANCE, but of ACCEPTANCE of WHO WE ARE BY OTHERS.  That’s where I teeter, constantly.  That’s what keeps me from taking those steps into oblivion, because it really is like stepping off a ledge, out LITERALLY not knowing if it’s into open arms of acceptance, or out into the open arena where the lions are waiting to tear us limb from limb.  These are the things that we face that are fear creators. So, that’s legitimate, for then.  And some things came up that showed me that clearly.  Some memories from way way back, during darker times.  That’s the only way to say it without going into it and making this post even longer than it already is.  I wonder, does this ring true for anyone else?  I’ve been studying past lives (again), been led back to it and I’m…remembering.   But that was then.  I need to let the fear be what it is for now.  Not what it was then.  I’m working on acknowledging it, accepting it, but also having it be what it is for THIS time.  This is part of the peeling of the onion for me, all those layers, all those lives, all that pain, and let it go.  So I can be who I am NOW, and be the connector I am here to be.  So for today, for everyone, NAMASTE.

When Opportunity Strikes…

Who am I to say no?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently.  I’ve been holding myself back, getting pings and pangs here and there, individuals placed squarely in my path that are showing me what I’m supposed to do.  But still I say, no, not me, this is too big for me, or I’m not the right person, or blah blah blah whatever other lame excuse I decide to come up with that day.

 

Why am I doing this?  When I can so clearly see for others how important they are to someone else’s growth, or can be so impressed by some other clairvoyant’s accuracy, while all the while questioning my own, while my own indicators are going off like bells and whistles in my head?

Why do we choose to make ourselves so small?  Why do I?  OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN?

I’m working on it.  I’m working on stepping %100 into who I am.  If you are along for the ride, or even better want to take my hand while I spin…grab on, or sit back and watch, but either way, thank you.  I’m working on my THIS IS WHO I AM.

And to quote a friend, not hiding my light.

Getting closer.  Are you?

So I’ve figured it out.  As Adam Yauch got older, he started to remind me of someone and I couldn’t ever put my finger on it.  But then I was watching the Charlie Rose interview tonight and he turned a certain way, and it hit me – Mr. Rogers.  Here’s the younger versions of both:

 

 

 

 

 

Now I’m not saying they look alike or anything, but there’s something there.  Now here they are older:

AGAIN, they DON’T look alike, but I think it’s the gentleness, a caring, the openness and thoughtfulness that shines through. That’s what I see. From Fred Rogers (who I’ve always deeply adored) it was his wholehearted passion and caring towards children.  With Yauch it was the expression of self that comes through the music that to me is timeless.  And in later years the maturity and evolution that came with his work to free Tibet.   If I could put my finger on it, I think that’s what it would be.  When I saw that one little motion that made it click – Mr. Rogers!!  I felt a feeling of peace and joy.  I felt not so mad about the loss of such an oddly integral part of my life – even be it through music.  I felt a little less mad, and a little more hopeful.  I felt giddy at even the IDEA of a Yauch/Rogers collaboration, if that’s going on somewhere, out there then HELL’S YEAH, I’m on board with THAT – I mean, who wouldn’t be?

OK, so I know I’m always talking about how when someone dies they are done with what they are supposed to do here, and they are just taking the next step on the path, I just had that EXACT conversation yesterday.  And I do really believe that, and I know it’s true.  But right now I don’t care about that. This sucks.

I grew up listening to the Beastie Boys.  Their music is like a soundtrack to my life, as so many other people have said today. I remember being a sheltered Catholic School girl in Middle School and hearing Licensed to Ill and just thinking – what the hell is this, who are these guys?? –  in High School driving around blasting Paul’s Boutique on CASSETTE with all my windows down, head bobbin’. When my kids were tots and other moms were driving around listening to freakin’ BARNEY and Wiggles and whatever such shit, my little ones were cold chillin’ to Brass Monkey and Hey Ladies, singing along to Funky Boss.  Any road trip included at least one full play of Paul’s Boutique.  Still does.  DAMN IT!! I’m sad and lonely feeling and stupid emotional – not because I care one bit about celebrities – I’m not into that, but because I feel like a childhood friend died.  It’s crazy.  Not only am I sad for that piece of the past it feels like is lost, but for all the bad ass music I won’t be hearing in the future that Adam Yauch would have had a hand in putting out there.

 

I’m bummed.  I’m bummed my kids won’t see them live.  I was stoked when I heard they were touring this last time around, looking forward to buying ticket and going as a family, so the kids could see this freakin’ phenominal band I had (as well as they had) grown up with.  But that’s not to be.  I’m about as equally bummed out about it as I am that I never got to see Johnny Cash play live.  Actually more.  But I am glad that I got to see them a few times, getting a bloody nose at one show.  Hung out with them after another, shared a meal after even another.  What a great bunch of guys.  To me at least, just nice.  Jeez, this blows.

 

Today I was driving with my husband and we made it to Pass the Mic before I got teary.  I was sad and mad at the same time.  When I was a kid and Elvis died, my mom cried.  Now I fully understand why.  Now my mom was crazy about Elvis, but it was more than that.  Now I get it.  The music is just kind of a part of who you are.  What a beautiful and crazy thing.

I know that cancer is just a vehicle, doing what it’s supposed to do to relieve the body of it’s soul, but I’m pissed at cancer right now.  It’s done it’s job – and taken my favorite Beastie Boy – the one with the best voice, and that quirky little smile.  I know you’re doing your thing somewhere else, somewhere, soaring.  That’s great for everyone there, but for now, it really sucks for us.

No matter how old I am when Paul Revere comes on, I crank it, the windows go down, my head bobs and I’m 20 again.

Thanks MCA for the good times.  Namaste.

 

this is my favorite part of my favorite movie.  Period.

This has nothing to do with being clairvoyant, although I do think things happen at just the right time.  I was at just the right place at just the right time to see this again, at my kitchen table after having a tumultuous morning, followed by an afternoon conversation with a friend at this same table, then this evening my husband pulled this up randomly on a website he was looking at.  It made me smile and be happy to be alive.  And that’s what’s up.

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