So Kirby wrote me this comment on my last post and my answer kind of turned into a post itself, so here it is – and thanks Kirby for the opportunity to look at this a little closer…

I want to try and comment.  First part about transition and how the kids are handling it well and even with added pressure from both of them advancing into middle and high schools you say that this time always has to be rocky for me.  Why?  Not attempting to go all deep on you but why?  Do you make it tough or you history says that it will be tough?

The last section of the post, from how I read it, seemed to have a sense of urgency or . . . high level of need.  That may not have been your intentions when writing, regardless, I still think that a simple “slow down for a second” or “take a chill pill” would work.  Does it need to be rushed?

hmm, I will pause for a second to see what the answer is about why this time is rocky, and I’ll try not to go all deep on ya either..  I think it has to do with what I think of as the shaking of the snow globe.

I’m all settled into this current way of life, just for now, all the glitter (or snow…ha ha the idea of a bunch of glitter all over my stuff is funny to me…not really a “glitter girl”..) then it gets all shaken up again.  I think it’s the up in the air-ed-ness (so not a word, but what’cha gonna do about it) is the unsettled part for me.  Also, because I don’t want to let anybody down with what I have to offer for summer (and yes, on the larger scale as well – since I know you’re going to call me out on that as well…!).

Here’s what I mean – I want to provide my kids with lots of stuff to do, but also want them to have chill time.  Like, in the right amounts of both.  So I want them to have a rad summer, and from year to year that changes, ya know, as they get older.  So I guess I have some fear that I won’t have the balance right for everyone involved.  I don’t want to disappoint anyone.  That is a big issue for me, keeping a balance and not letting anyone down, or disappoint – I’m the cruise director, basically.  Or if you look at it another way, controlling.  And the funny thing is, I’ve gotten way more chill over the past 10 years, taking more of a facilitator role than a controller roll.  But the fear is still there, that people will be disappointed with what I provide.  It’s one of the reasons I’m making this – all of this – connections through the blog, the dinners, readings, and finally classes or courses for others a much bigger part of my life.  On one hand, it feeds me, but on the other, I know whatever is being provided is perfect, because it’s not me.  I’m a channel, again a facilitator, but it’s not me.  And what it is is perfect, and where it comes from is phenomenal.  And I trust that wholeheartedly.   It’s like when ya know, you know.  And this – I know.

And to address the second part – yes I know, I need to take a chill pill.  It’s not a sense of urgency, it’s just this place where I get when I’m being flooded or overwhelmed, I become scattered and spacey, feel like some things will slip through if I don’t juggle just the right way.  And I’ve had other lessons coming up at the same time, like sidebars.  Awesome!  Just what I need, sidebars!  But actually I’m working on becoming more organized so this will get better.  I’m also clearing things out of my life that aren’t serving me, my family, my home, etc.  I’m streamlining.  I appreciate you bringing this to my attention.  For all things a season.  Just for me, I rarely am able to see what my seasons are for myself, some of the frustrations of being a SEE-ER, when turned in my eye is blind.

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